cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
they need to just BURY HIM!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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