my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
