i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
