I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
