Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
