My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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