Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
