I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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