umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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