well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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