Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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