I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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