this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
