in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We're too hungover to prance.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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