Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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