On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
