I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
