If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
