these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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