and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
