FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
