apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
