it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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