i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
