it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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