I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
