i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
