Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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