It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
