I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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