fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So squirting runs in the family.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
