The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
