I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
