I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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