I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
