Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
