I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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