If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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