my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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