The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
