I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
