I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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