she woke up with a sticky ear
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We are all done wearing pants today
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
