I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
