i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
