he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
