we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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