I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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