He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
