I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
