Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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