god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize