That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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